Blog # 4 – Finding Your Voice

 9 min read

Most folks have played on a sports team at some point in their life. A team has a shared goal of winning, hours of practice, the thrill of victories and the disappointment of defeat. The team develops its own culture as personalities, skill levels and maturity meld. And the head of the team is the coach. The coach sets the tone. He or she knows how to motivate individuals, push them to excel, and blend the disparate pieces into a harmonious whole. The coach seeks a balance of hard work, discipline, and fun for the team to be successful.

For four years I played varsity college soccer. This dynamic of personalities, styles, commitment, focus, and camaraderie made us a family of sorts. Hours of practice. Hours in the van driving to and from games. We had to get along, put up with each other and learn to work together for the common goal.

The leadership lesson my coach had tried to teach me in 1984 occurred during one of our afternoon team practices.

Our practices lasted about 3 hours every afternoon. You had to warm up and run to the field on a 2.5 mile loop. There were running drills, ball passing drills, skills practice, practice shots on goal, scrimmages, wind sprints, and the like. We were together a lot, and like any team, there was a pecking order within its ranks. There were Captains, the quiet but strong types, the work horses, the flamboyant ones, and the goof-off’s. It was a diverse mix of people and personalities. Coach had to learn and understand each person each season, learn what buttons to push individually, yet gel the team for maximum productivity. Though he didn’t have a college degree in psychology, I’d rate his “on the job” training and experience as having a PhD.

One day, half way through practice, we were doing a passing drill in a circle with 2 circles going on at the same time. One of the team’s jokester guys, Juan, started goofing off with a teammate, Dan. They started by jawing at each other, which led to pulling each other’s shirts and shorts. They were having fun. After some time, I tried to stop the distraction. “Come on guys, knock it off” I said. The rest of the guys in our circle kept doing the drill, passing the ball back and forth as directed. Then Juan and Dan took it to another level and really started horsing around. It started to disrupt the drill as when someone would pass the ball to either one of them, they were too set on kicking the other person or grabbing at them. “Guys, come on!” I said more loudly, with an edge of frustration. Everyone in our circle started to look expectantly at Coach, waiting for him to intervene and tell Juan and Dan to settle down and participate in the drill. Coach didn’t act. The other circle of guys started to see the disruption and wondered what was going on. Coach always let out enough rope for the team to have some fun and goof off, but Juan and Dan had clearly crossed that line. Discipline was being lost this practice.

The drill continued and the disruption didn’t stop. Coach let it roll. I started to get frustrated at his lack of attention and not dealing with this. These two clearly ruined the drill and disrupted the entire practice with their behavior. Finally, we moved to another drill and the rest of the practice finished as usual.

As the freshmen players (“Tadpoles” we called them) were picking up the cones and balls and taking them to the field shed for storage, I went over to Coach to confront him on the immature and disruptive behavior displayed by Juan and Dan.

“Coach — did you see those two goofing off in our passing drill?”

“Yes”.

“It was beyond ridiculous. We were trying to focus on the drill and those two screwballs ruined it for everyone. I mean, I’m all for some fun and levity during practice, but this was ridiculous”.

“I know”.

“So why didn’t you do anything? You’re the coach.”

He looked me and said “Why didn’t you do anything?”

“I did — I told them to knock it off…twice”.

“You did? And did they stop?”

“Well….no they didn’t. But you’re the coach. You are supposed to keep the practice in line. Their behavior ruined practice today. I’ve got way better things to do like study for a test and write a paper than to waste time at practice when 2 guys are ruining it for everyone”.

“I’ll say it again; why didn’t you do something if that’s how you felt?”

“Like what?”

“Look — if you really felt that practice had deteriorated so as to be a waste of time and most everyone else felt the same way, why didn’t you do something to send that message. You should have said as much, and left practice to go do those other things that are important. That would have been leadership and that would have sent a message to everyone on the team of what behavior is acceptable and what isn’t. You had your chance and you didn’t take it.”

I walked away and headed back to campus. I was conflicted and didn’t understand what he was trying to teach me and the team. On one hand, Coach had allowed a situation to deteriorate, and chose to not rectify it. He had set the stage for someone else to handle it. This conflicted with my upbringing, as I was someone that has always respected the chain of command. I felt he had failed in his duty as the coach. And he was telling me I had failed to deal with a situation, in spite of him being the ultimate authority figure on that field. Had I done what he suggested, I’d have been defying his authority in the eyes of everyone on the team. I was a team captain, and insubordination was contrary to what I had been taught. What he was suggesting went totally against my grain.

Coach let Juan and Dan goof off to the point of frustrating the entire team, yet did not act on it in the hopes someone would step up and handle it. This point has stuck with me ever since. My takeaway from our discussion on the practice field in 1984 was that Coach wanted me to be bold with leadership, when action would make a powerful statement, even if it defied the existing authority structure. And I’ve used that boldness throughout my life to stand up to authority, respectfully, when I felt a wrong needed to be made right. This has served me well as I’ve learned that actions speak much louder than words when I’m a part of a team or system. There have been instances where I’ve quit a group or committee as that would make a more powerful statement than trying to fight over an issue to correct a wrong. And I was fine with the consequences, knowing my integrity remained intact. Many times I become the default “leader” people turn to on a committee, a team or social group. And I believe much of that is because of that lesson about personal conviction and confidence I learned on the soccer field so long ago.

Yet, I wanted to understand it more clearly after all these years, so I called my former college soccer coach and discussed this incident with him. Surprisingly, he remembered it.

His whole life has been around soccer, coaching, and teaching. He’s coached and taught at the collegiate and high school level for over 40 years. He’s 70 now, and no longer in the classroom, but still is very involved in coaching high school kids, including those with special needs. He’s also conducted numerous summer soccer camps with thousands of boys and girls coming under his guidance, coaching, mentoring and influence over his lifetime.

So when we talked a few weeks ago, he clarified further what he was trying to teach me and the team by allowing Juan and Dan to disrupt the practice: He knew all the players well on our team. Many of us were independent and mature and needed minimal supervision to get to class, complete our homework, be disciplined for the soccer team commitments, and work our part time jobs. His influence on us would be minimal to help us grow and mature into good responsible men. Many of us knew who we were at our core. A few on the team were going with the flow and still trying to figure out who they were. Several would always struggle to find their place and fit in with their current social or academic or career ecosystem. And a few had one foot in the “I’ve figured it out” side and one foot in the “I’m trying to grow up” side.

He deliberately created this void of authority where everyone knew Juan and Dan had crossed the line. Yet, he didn’t step in with his role as the ultimate authority of our team (the coach), as he was trying to leave an impression on us all and teach a lesson. Essentially, he wanted someone to step up and “find their voice”.

He expected one of two outcomes. He hoped I or one of the other team leaders would take action. He knew I had my act together and was mature and independent at that point in my life. Had I stopped the practice, given my little speech about having better things to do, and defied the system of authority that was not being adhered to in that moment, it would have made a huge statement. The risk was what would the consequences have been to me by defying his authority by walking off the field? Unfortunately, I’ll never know. In a weird way, now I wish I had been bold and done it.

The second outcome he expected was for one of the less mature players to stand up, make their statement, and bring the issue to a head. They could have given their speech and taken the drastic step of leaving practice, or made an issue and called out the coach for not doing his job. Whatever path that player had taken, they’d have “found their voice”.

For over 45 years, Coach has worked with young people trying to find their voice. Besides teaching them soccer skills, he wants these men and women he’s mentoring to figure themselves out and to grow as people and leaders. Everyone, especially young people, want to let their own mind, ideas and heart be realized. Especially in a tight group like a soccer team.

Todd Henry explores some key questions in his book, Louder Than Words to help the reader find his or her voice. To help define one’s voice, here are a few points from his book to help you find your voice:

1) Find the compassionate anger in you. These are systemic things that evoke a desire to intervene in a situation as an act of compassion or to rectify a great wrong.

2) Find what you have mastered. Skills, tasks and opportunities that you’ve mastered easily indicate your natural voice.

3) Find what gives you hope. Determine what you look forward to or what vision you have. As a motivator, hope can help you find the ways that may help you compel others to act.

4) Remember what your career dream was when you were a child. The dreams and wonders of our childhood might give a clue to our deep fascination.

5) Ask yourself what you’d do if you had all the money and time in the world. We often let the perception of lack of time or money hold us back from doing what we really want to do.

6) Ask yourself what change you’d like to see in the world. How can you lead that change or be a part of it?

It’s important to clarify that finding one’s voice is different than voicing one’s opinion.

Everybody at the soccer practice that day (except Juan and Dan) had the correct opinion that practice was being disrupted and was becoming a waste of time. I shared my opinion twice that day by telling them to knock it off. It obviously made no impact with them and I lost credibility since they didn’t heed my request. And had someone made a comment about practice being a waste, it would have been an opinion, shared by everyone, but it wouldn’t have mattered in the end.

By not speaking up about how we feel or don’t question what is wrong, we allow the existing narrative in that situation to not only prevail, but to be reinforced. By speaking up or taking action, one must have conviction, confidence and integrity to make the point, to call out the wrong and be willing to take the risk of whatever consequences happen.

If I were to pick someone in the Bible that had “found his voice” more than anybody else, the Apostle Paul would be way up on the list. He’d gone from high-ranking Pharisee, oppressing the Christians to being one of their boldest missionaries and advocates for Christ. He knew his faith and convictions and never wavered. He endured prison, whippings, beatings and other trials for his faith. One example of Paul’s “voice” was when he was warned not to go to Jerusalem. Acts 21:13 states: “Then Paul answered, ‘why are you weeping and breaking my heart? I am ready not only to be bound, but also to die in Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus”. Wow. Paul had found his voice, and it impacted the early church tremendously, and impacts Believers even today. Oh that all Believers found our voice as did Paul.

I’m grateful for the leadership impact Coach had on me during the four years of playing for him. That one incident has stuck with me ever since, and has been why I’ve been bold with my leadership style and my confidence in myself. I have my voice.

Congo Kid — Article #4  — June, 2019

Copyright © 2019 by Jeffrey W. Eales. All rights reserved. No portions may be reproduced or transmitted in any format without the prior written permission of the author.