This is part 5 of 5 of the series titled: The Boarding School Dilemma – Balancing Mission and Family – The Conclusion: Moving Forward From Here. This series started with laying out the challenges and issues of reconciling mission and family when sending kids away to a boarding school was the only option and explored various dimensions in the subsequent episodes. The Ubangi Academy (UBAC) institution was explained in Episode 2. Also the Parent’s viewpoint – how they struggled with separating their families in Episode 3 and that was followed by the Kids viewpoint and shared a range of experiences at the dorm in Episode 4. This final episode shares the take-aways and conclusions from the previous episodes and all that’s been learned. In addition, recommendations for how kids and parents can start a dialogue to reach understanding of how each side experienced and approached this challenging dilemma. I’m joined by Heidi Tunberg, a licensed counselor and also a coordinator for Missionary Kids (MK’s) to help them with their cultural issues when they return to the United States after years in a foreign country. She provides insight to all UBAC (and dorm) attendees on how to move forward from our experience and to build on who we are because of it. What character traits prevail amongst dorm attendees and MK’s, and how we can use those to maximize our life as adults are discussed. A Testimonial is shared by Lynda Garber relating to how she learned to accept her rough childhood, and move forward. Then Anonymous shares about seeking counseling to learn how to accept his parent’s actions, as his dorm experience was difficult, and to forgive and move forward with his life. Thanks to Dan Carlson for his insight for this episode, as well as Rick Selin for his voice-over for the Anonymous testimonial.
And to the numerous folks that sent in surveys, provided information via email, texts and phone calls, I thank you as well as this gave a broader spectrum of input and content for this entire series.
And my final Thank you goes to my four(4) Advisors that have read every word of my five (5) scripts, listened to every word of this audio series to ensure that all is presented fairly, objectively,and with the proper message: Understanding, healing, and restoration for parents and kids that need to bridge any gaps. They invested countless hours and provided considerable input to all 5 episodes in this series. Doug Thorpe,PhD., Carolyn Stoker, Dan Hiegel, and Malcolm MacLeod – all provided invaluable input to help make these episodes what they are. Thank you. May all who listen have learned greater understanding of what Parents and Kids went through from the boarding school experience and the dilemma of balancing Mission and Family.
Boarding the Self – Mission Boarding School Experience – Doctoral Dissertation by Doug Thorpe – 1994
**Rated in 2024 to the TOP 25 Best “Life Stories” Themed Podcasts Worldwide – https://blog.feedspot.com/life_stories_podcasts/
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To Jeff- excellent job, when we first met this ‘moving forward’ lesson I said was a must if I was to be part of the project, great job! Covering this topic was necessary, in my opinion.
To Linda and anonymous, I see you, understand and empathize with you. Your story could have been mine, with minor variations, thanks for helping me to not feel like I was the only one with these deep feelings, even 40 plus years later.
To parents, mission boards, and future missionaries.. Yes my comments have been brutal, but I had a point to it which I will cover in the next comment. Your sacrifice is noted and I’m sure deeply felt, but now with this new knowledge I hope you can and will make better and more informed decisions.
To Heidi- your advice was right on, you rocked it! ( my kids would say you slayed it)
Jeff, great job again!
I have received some feedback that my comments were too negative or brutal, and don’t/did not reflect reality. For those who care I actually wrote down 4 goals for this project, prior to the project , I hope this helps you to understand my comments, if not, we can agree to disagree, no worries!
Goal 1. Validate the experience of others- I see you. Too many have no one they can really be honest with about the dorm largely because they also really llove/respect/don’t want to hurt their parents. Therefore my comments.
Goal 2. Break through denial. Much of the work good counselors do is breaking through the denial that ‘it or I am not really that bad, is/was it?’ My drinking is not really that bad! My early childhood sexual abuse and bullying does not affect me now. You get the point. Without looking at reality you move forward from the wrong spot every time. Therefore my comments.
Goal 3, Encourage missionaries, mission boards, and potential future missionaries to really know what their child is going through if they choose the academy option and consider all factors but particularly safety, adult warmth/connection, and age of child. Sugar coating this experience ( which happens FAR too often) is not helpful to good decision making. Therefore my comments. How many of you knew multiple rapes (some longterm ) with multiple different individuals occurred at ubac over a span 40 years. Yeah thought so, and that it never stopped until the 1990s when safety procedures were put into place. Bullying, loneliness, fear, lack of connections, anguish, constant worry, of course was far more common. Lord of the flies anyone? Therefore my comments.
Goal #4. Avoid the blame and victim mentality. I wanted to make sure there was a constructive end to this. How do we move forward? Blaming and having a victim mentality never helped anyone move towards health and growth. Heidi and Jeff did a great job discussing the fact that while we had no choice in what happened to us, as adults we do have a choice in how we are going to handle and own our experiences.
Another great podcast, Jeff. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you, Jeff.
Hearing this last podcast was so encouraging.
God is Good and God is Sovereign, for which I am
grateful in my life.
Jeff,
So very well done, pulling it all together in this final episode. I have listened to every episode, and have done lots of thinking and remembering. I grieve for those who have carried a heavy burden their whole life since their time at UBAC. And I pray that there is healing, forgiveness, and reconciliation for those still hurting. There are times in my life where I have felt like an emotional cripple, like I couldn’t, or didn’t feel what other ‘normal’ people felt. Heidi’s words of wisdom have given me some new understanding to where some of that comes from.
Your work on this topic, and that of your advisors, has been a labor of love! You have shined the light on some dark things that can no longer hide in the dark, and you have highlighted so many of the good things we learned and experienced living at UBAC.
Merci! Merci! Merci!
To Jeff Aiken
Well said, I agree 100 percent. It’s amazing how those feelings still come back after decades. But they aren’t as sharp for me anymore and now that this project is over I find myself more emotionally healthy and flexible than before. It gets easier and easier to move on from this now, and yet still remain compassionate with those who struggled in early childhood but it is no longer overwhelming . I guess at 60 plus im finally growing up? Lol Having the positive memories of high school makes things easier as well. The paradox of having multiple negative and positive emotions at the same time that Heidi mentioned is so true for me.